12 Tips for Childrearing

Gambar hiasan jer..... anak saper ntah....
By Ibrahim Bowers
(http://islamicschoo l.net/articles/ 12tipschildreari ng.htm)

"Don't touch those!" the father commands as his child plays with the
dishes on a shelf at his host's house. A few seconds later, the
father looks up from his conversation with his host, and his child
is still playing with the dishes. "I told you not to touch those!"
the child's father repeats. A few seconds later, the father looks up
and sees his child still playing with the dishes. The father says
nothing and continues his conversation with the host.

It happens all the time. Children are given orders, and when they
don't obey, the parent simply goes back to his conversation and
forgets.

What should parents do in this situation? Some parents would say that
we should stop the child, others that we should punish him, and
others that he is "just a child," and we should not expect too much
from him.

As Muslim parents, we have an obligation to bring up our children in
the best manner---to teach them right from wrong and to show them
what we and society expect from them.

Those who give opinions on this matter usually use the Quran or
hadith to support their positions, and it may be difficult to
establish, without a doubt, who is more correct. However, as
parents, we either have to find the correct method to teach and
discipline our children, or we at least have to come up with a valid
method for teaching and disciplining our children. Definitely, we
should not just "figure it out as we go" --- one time using this
method and another time that one.

The following principles should be useful in establishing a
childrearing method which is not too extreme.

1. Start Early

Although many parents believe that very small children are too young
to understand, their early years are probably the most important
opportunity for parents to start them in the right direction. Once
good patterns are established, they will be easy to maintain. Once
bad patterns are established, they will be difficult to change.

2. Have your Emotions Under Control while Instructing Childern

Don't discipline your child because you are angry with him, but
rather because you want to teach him. Motive is important here. As a
Muslim parent, your motive should be to help your child.

3. Parents should Present a United Front

Parents should discuss their strategy for training and disciplining
their children and agree to work together as a team. If children
realize that one parent is strict and the other is easy, they will
play the parents against each other. When the strict parent stops
them from doing something, they will go ask the easy parent for
permission. Both parents need to tell the child the same thing. If
parents sometimes disagree on how to discipline the child, they
should discuss it privately, not in front of the children.

4. Be Consistent

Most experts on children agree that parents should be consistent.
Constantly changing the rules and expectations will only confuse your
child. If you stop him from writing on the walls today, and you allow
him to write on the walls tomorrow, he will not understand when you
get angry the next time he writes on the walls. If you inconsistently
apply the rules, he will also test you at times to see whether you
are going to be tough this time or easy. If, however, he knows from
experience that you always stop him the first time, he will quickly
learn it does no good to try to get away with something. Although
consistency is essential, it does not mean that parents cannot change
their minds about the rules. If you do change the rules, however, you
must inform your child in advance so that he will know what to
expect. This failure to be consistent is at the root of many parents'
inability to control their children.

5. Never Lie to your Childern

If you lie to them "every now and then," they may not believe you
when you tell them the truth. This also applies to those situations
when you tell your child to stop doing something, or you will put
him in his room, spank him, or take away his toys. If you make that
kind of a threat, you must stick with it. Otherwise, you have lied,
and your child will not know when you are serious and when you are
not. He will then be forced to test you again and again to see.

6. Don't Reward Crying

If children realize that everytime they cry, they get what they want,
crying will become like money for them. Everytime they want
something, they will cry. On the other hand, if you teach them that
crying doesn't get them anything, they will stop crying for things.
Let them cry and cry and cry, but don't give in. In the beginning,
it will be difficult, but be patient. Once they learn the lesson and
stop crying for everything, you will be happy that you were firm.
You can either listen to crying for a few days or for the rest of
your life. It's your choice.

7. Teach Your Child to Apologize When he/she Does Something Wrong

This is important so that he will learn what is expected of him from
others and from Allah (SWT). If he does something wrong, he should
ask forgiveness from Allah (SWT) and apologize to any people who
were hurt by his words or actions. This will be useful in developing
his conscience.

8. Accept Child's Apology

Be quick to excuse your child when he apologizes and shows that he is
sorry for his disobedience or bad actions. When we do wrong, we seek
forgiveness from Allah (SWT) and want to be excused. Likewise, we
should excuse others. This will develop in your child a sense of
mercy and prepare him for an understanding of the forgiveness of
Allah (SWT). Always make it clear to the child that you love him,
especially after he has been in trouble and apologized. Let him
understand that no bad feelings remain.

9. Apologize For Your Mistakes

Don't be too proud to apologize to your child when you make mistakes.
This will establish in him a belief in your sense of justice and
prevent him from viewing you as nothing but a tyrant.

10. Teach Islam From an Early Age

Teach your child from an early age about Allah, the Prophets, the
Sahaba, and the great heroes of Islam. If we develop in them a love
for Islam and provide them with righteous examples for their heroes,
they will be much less likely to go astray. A person wants to be like
his heroes. If he admires Prophet Muhammad, Abu Bakr, and Ali, he
will try to follow their example. If he admires a rock star or a gang
leader, he will want to be like them. If we inspire our children with
good examples, when they are tempted to do wrong, they will,
InshaAllah, remember these examples and remain steadfast.

Although I was raised as a Christian and didn't embrace Islam until I
was in my 20s, I was greatly influenced by the Biblical stories of
Prophets like Nuh, Ibrahim, Musa, and Isa (peace be upon them all).
Although the Biblical stories were not in their pure form, they still
inculcated in me a love and respect for the way of the Prophets.
Although I fell into many of the temptations of youth, Alhamdulillah,
I always felt something within me holding me back from going too far.
While many of my friends went headlong into a highly destructive way
of life, I believe that my knowledge of, and affection for, the
Prophets helped me to return to a better path.

11. Instruct in Good Morals

Teach your child good morals and good manners. An excellent book for
this is Islamic Tahdhib and Akhlaq: Theory and Practice, by B. Aisha
Lemu.

12. Dicipline Your Child

Discipline should not become the domain of one parent. Mothers and
fathers should both participate in the disciplining of their
children. Although mothers often threaten their children by telling
them that they will get into trouble when their father gets home,
this method is not very useful for three reasons. First, discipline
should be carried out immediately after the disobedience occurs so
that the child will connect the disobedience with its consequences.
If parents wait until later, the child may have forgotten why he got
into trouble, and feel that the parents are not justified in
disciplining him. Second, sometimes the child must be stopped
immediately, and the mother cannot wait until the father gets home.
The child must be taught to respond immediately to her commands as
well as his father's. Third, making one parent responsible for
disciplining the child may turn that parent into the "bad guy" in
the child's eyes. The child should recognize that both parents agree
on their methods of disciplining him. Although the degree to which
various parents use them will vary, the following five methods might
be used for disciplining your children.

(1) Putting your child in the bedroom. When the child is disobeying,
he should first be warned that you are going to put him in the
bedroom if he doesn't obey. If he continues to disobey, take him to
the room immediately. Do not keep repeating warnings. For smaller
children, you will probably have to sit in the room with them; for
older children, they can sit alone. If they are crying or yelling,
don't let them come out until they stop. Also, teach them that they
need to apologize before you let them out. If they apologize, show
your happiness and quick acceptance.

For those children who whine and cry for everything, it is good to
teach them that they will be sent to the bedroom when they whine and
cry. They should not be allowed to whine and cry in the living room
where they will disturb others. Once children learn that when they
whine and cry, they will be sent to the bedroom, the whining and
crying should decrease dramatically. Although it may take a long time
for some children to stop crying and apologize, the parent must not
give in. The child should feel that everytime he persists in
disobedience, he will be the loser. This method, if done correctly
and consistently, should dramatically affect your child.

(2) Showing your disappointment. If you have established a good
relationship with your child, your disappointment with him will have
a great impact on him. If he does something you don't like, and you
tell him you are angry with him and show him that you are not going
to play and joke with him because of his actions, he will probably
feel bad and apologize. This works especially well when several
family members show disappointment with the child's actions.

(3) Withholding privileges. Not letting the child go out to play,
ride his bicycle, or use his skates, for example. Threats to do this
are useful only if the child believes you.

(4) Giving rewards. These could be compliments, sweets, toys, or
anything else that your child likes. When your child is rewarded for
doing good, he is likely to do good again. After some time, his habit
will be to do good. Two words of caution, however.

First, rewards should not become bribes. You should not tell your
child, "If you obey me, I will take you for ice cream." Rewards
should be spontaneous on your part to show your appreciation for
your child's actions. They should not be expected by the child. You
should say, "Since you have been such a good boy today, I'm going to
take you for ice cream."

Second, you should be careful that your relationship with your child
does not become a marketplace where he expects to get a reward from
you for everything he does. As the child gets older, he will not need
to be given material rewards as often, although you should continue
to let him know that you appreciate his good behavior. You should,
however, teach him that even though he doesn't always receive a
reward from you for his good actions, he might receive one from
Allah (SWT).

(5) Spanking. This is the most controversial aspect of discipline.
Some parents feel that it is wrong to spank children because it
teaches them that violence is the answer or that "might makes right."
Others go too far in the other direction and believe that unbridled
beating of their children is okay. Some parents slap their children
in the face, beat them on the hand, or twist their ears. These
methods should, however, be avoided. Slapping in the face humiliates
the child, and beating on the hand or twisting the ear could cause
permanent physical damage to the child. Of course, it should also be
clear that such things as burning or starving children, making them
drink hot sauce, or other such harsh punishments should never be
used.

I personally use only two physical methods for disciplining my
children: light slaps on the hand when the child is using his hands
to do something wrong and spanking the child on his buttocks in a way
that is not permanently harmful but that only causes some stinging.
If the other methods of discipline are used wisely, a parent should
rarely have to resort to physical discipline at all. However,
sometimes it may be necessary. If done with mercy and justice and in
the best interest of the child, it should not be considered as
violent or abusive. When children grow up, they will be held
accountable for their actions. In some cases, the punishments they
face for wrongdoing will be severe. To teach them right from wrong
now, even by spanking or lightly slapping their hand, will help them
avoid these problems later in life. Hammudah Abd al Ati writes in
The Family Structure in Islam: ". . . [T]he Prophet urged parents to
demand that their children begin practicing the regular daily
prayers by the age of seven. If the children do not start the
practice by the age of ten, they should be disciplined by physical
means --- without causing them harm or injury, of course --- only to
show disapproval of their behavior." (p. 199)

If parents follow these principles consistently, they should see a
dramatic improvement in their children in a short time. If, however,
the children have been allowed to run the house for a long time, and
the parents have given up their authority, it will take longer for
the children to get used to the new rules. Although the various
methods of discipline are important and will help you to control
your children and force them to do what you say, you will not always
be with them as they begin to grow, and, thus, the penalties and
consequences from you will not concern them. Ideally, as you
discipline your children you will also develop their conscience and
their knowledge of right and wrong. Teaching them good morals and
manners and instilling in them a love for Allah, the Prophets, the
Sahaba, and the great heroes of Islam should help them to do good
even when you are not around. The attainment of self-discipline and
a concern for doing righteousness whether they are with others or
alone is the true goal of childrearing. The afore-mentioned
techniques are merely means to achieve this end.